Added: Ivana Johansen - Date: 13.01.2022 16:20 - Views: 45773 - Clicks: 1908
How do you know what your standards are? And beyond that, if a guy has met them? Photo: Quinn Dombrowski. But the story of any good relationship is more complex than that. Relationships are full of pros and cons. But that would be crazy.
Anyone who has been in a serious relationship knows that relationships are not about eliminating conflict, but about managing it. How do you decide then, whether your partner is meeting the standards of the person you should be with in the long-term? But these nine questions are meant to highlight general areas of dissatisfaction — and your answers will help pinpoint potential problems that are a common source of conflict for you.
Question 1: Do I like the way my partner chooses to spend their free time? That means if his idea of a relaxing Saturday is to go to a sports bar and get drunk on a weekly basis, or sit home and play Xbox all weekend, when all you want to do is read books and go to the gym, after a while this conflict will grate on you or him.
Question 2: Does my partner have a healthy way of communicating a problem in our relationship? Too many arguments though mean either you or your partner probably have an unreasonable way of communicating problems. Moreover, when you do argue, notice how your partner approaches conflict. Does he fight dirty and call you names? Does he get furious and become impossible to reason with? Does he just run away and ignore the problem? All of these are big warning s. Look instead for the guy who wants to understand your point of view, even if he disagrees or finds that view ridiculous.
Also, when tensions have finally been quelled, see if your partner a shows s of wanting to make amends and b is willing to admit some fault. Question 3: Does he ever do something just to please you and not also himself? One great of investment is willingness to put himself out. But if he only ever does things for you when it benefits him, re-consider how much he values generosity. Is he interested in understanding you better?
People who value a relationship want to make it better and better. This can be in the tiniest ways, like simply trying to learn more about what interests you, or trying to involve himself in your life. Another thing to look for is any inclination that your partner wants to help you succeed as an individual — not in the sense of pointing out your flaws — but in wanting you to achieve your potential. Question 5: Do you feel a unique sexual attraction to your partner?
Do you regularly feel unsatisfied sexually by him, or feel a lack of physical intimacy? You need similar standards for intimacy. Touching, kissing, hugging, or having sex — choose someone who wants them as frequently or infrequently as you do. But small differences can be made up for by two people who want to please each other and understand how they can make the other happy sexually. Most minor imbalances can be solved if both partners value teamwork and want to please each other.
Question 6: Is your partner proud to be with you, and do they defend you when you need defending? A guy can take time to introduce you to his friends, but once he does, he should support and defend you, and should want to involve you in other parts of his life. Question 7: Does your partner value their vitality and exercise as much as you do? If you can encourage and inspire them to adopt a better standard, all the better. It just means having someone who, like you, values health, even if their methods are different. Remember though that two people can be ambitious in different ways.
Trust me on this one. This may just be indicated by his desire to create his own family, or in him looking out for your parents or siblings in small ways. The questions above are by no means exhaustive, but just listed for reference as something to think about when approaching a long-term relationship.
Some will be easily met by your partner. If your guy currently falls short of these, and you think you can at least educate him on how to better meet some of your standards, then go by all means go nuts. Some guys just need to know what your standards are so they can strive to meet them. As ever, the best thing you can do is be honest with yourself early on and choose your partner well to begin with. It will save you a thousand arguments in years to come.
Good luck with that. Good Afternoon Stephen, I think this is your best article yet. We all have ideas in our head of what our minimum standards and values are. If I met someone with whom I could tick at least eighty percent of this list I would be very happy. I was sent a silly quiz on-line recently.
Which character in Game of Thrones would you be? I would so be Daenerys Targaryen, lol. Take care, Kathryn x. Really glad it paid off for you. Wow, Daenerys — she would be awesome and strong but quite high-maintenance I imagine too.
Tough one. Being strong! Dedication to personal growth or ambition to cope well with any problem and to be mature! I am currently thinking about turning things around with my fling, cause I am so much drawn to this man after 6 months of great sex — who would have thought!? Additionally he would get NOs on this list — but if you asked him, he would see himself as totally generous. Things have been similar with other men before, so I am wondering… maybe it is me?
Maybe I should accept the fact that every guy is a little messed up in some ways? And be happier? Maybe some are having a bad time going out of their way as an example. The thing is… I used some of the stuff I learned here on him and it is working. For example I talked about loving generosity and I can see now how he tries to be that more. But where to draw the line? Hi Stephen, This is such a good article! Im so happy I found someone who has it all and that I never settled for anyone less than amazing!
Love you guys! Keep up the good work! Loyalty is a big one… I found this a painful read. It highlighted why some relationships in the past, were bound to fail. In particular, one where an ex boyfriend never stood up for me, even when I was once groped, quite aggressively, in Egypt. I wish I could go back and tell my younger self, to keep walking and ditch that guy. I agree, with Kerly and Kathryn: this is an excellent post. God, I wish I had this information 18 years ago.
How different would my life be, now? I love how this article fits right in with the turn-offs I was listing in the comments of the last article. I would say that these questions are extremely important. It is interesting to look back on past relationships and analyze them based on them. It is easy to see where things went wrong. Thanks so much. Yea this list actually really helped me look at issues in past relationships too! Great article. Someone can bring something very different to the table, which can be complementary to your own personality, but they still need to have similar values.
Amen, brother! These things are so important, and you express them clearly and logically. This is really very clear n easy to read, and easy to absorb. Thanks so much for giving me a place to share that. Seriously I got on here thinking maybe they have posted something I could share that specific thought :. I would add financial compatibility and healthy power dynamic as well.
These are some of the leading causes of divorce. Personally, when I go through lists, it becomes very tiresome and clinical and I am never sure how to really measure compatibility because these factors do not add up linearly nor do they all carry the same weight. Do you have a simpler rule of thumb? I have been thinking about this a lot lately and this is what I have come up with. But it is easy to get deceived in this area because guys often SAY one thing but do another. When this is absent I feel this discomfort in my gut and tend to withdraw from them. I am not talking about filling needs or a void.
But when someone comes along who is so amazing that he adds something wonderful to your already full life that you really want them in your life, you welcome them. They bring out the best in your rather than cause problems and tear away your self-esteem. This is what makes people grow. But the end result is fantastic because it opens you up to something new—that is positive and good for you. On an instinctive level, I can feel this from feeling really really good overall inside and becoming an even better version of myself, energized and more mature, having that glow from within long after the initial infatuation and excitement has settled down.
It is like a dance where two people are doing different things but overall they are moving harmoniously together and contribute equally. Neither partner overpowers the other although they each may take charge in individual areas of their life together. They are not the same but they are both equal. On an instinctive level—this is what I see as chemistry.
Not the physical passion that most people talk about but this energy between two people that is both harmonious and keeps them strongly attracted to each other. It includes the physical, mental, emotion—everything. You know, the tension, fireworks. Somehow it was absent. I never felt a spring in my step or any excitement to see him. Somehow everything was very dull and boring—even when we had differences of opinion or fights, there was no fire whatsoever.
Somehow I did not care whether he stayed in my life or not. I never understood why I did not feel anything for someone who was almost perfect according to the list. That is why I am distrustful of lists because we can deceive ourselves. We might think something is good to have, attractive but it may not be good for us in the long run. Some qualities may not even appear attractive or only show up over a long period of time. It also opens one to people whom we may not have considered who are outside of a pre-determined list but might still be a good match. I am not so much hung up on lifestyle per se because as long as the couple give each other space they can work it out and make adjustments.
Unless the lifestyles are extremely different, which usually is a reflection of values. Some common interests and space to pursue those that are not common is also important. Usually couples come together through some common interests so this is not hard. As long as they can find a few key things to do together and enjoy it, that is enough. More important is the space that people give each other to do their own thing. That is what keeps things spicy and interesting and gives the space to miss each other. Who was I before and who I am now that he is in my life-has he make a positive difference to me that he would be too precious to let go?Am i settling quiz
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